My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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