Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
