he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
