the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
