How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
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