So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
