Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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