Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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