I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
