he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
either way he was missing a nipple.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize