Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I'm getting married
To pizza
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
