Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
The ass gains better be worth it
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