Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
