i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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