how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
