You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
