lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
She's the barista slut.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize