Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
