forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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