How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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