No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize