I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
