peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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