The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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