is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
