the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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