i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
