For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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