you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
