I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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