Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
No more Irish car bombs ever.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize