i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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