I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
