my phone needs a breathalizer
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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