Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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