I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
