I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
When did angry sex become our thing?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
