How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Randomize
