Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
