A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
