hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
