I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I'm too high and old for this...
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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