I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
