Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
