Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
