i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
