Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
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