I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
