"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
