I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
