Just fell off a train. Bad.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
