ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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