Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
