Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
