On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I wish I only lived at night.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
