the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Just puked most of my soul out..
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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