I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Randomize
