my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I think I sprained my soul last night
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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