yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
