Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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