U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize