Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
