i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
