I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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