the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
